SGI President Ikeda’s essay series
Imagine a conversation between a mother and her three-year-old son, who is trying to cut an apple with a sharp knife.
“Put that knife down!” says the mother. “You’re going to cut your finger.”
“No, I won’t cut myself!” retorts the child.
“Yes, you will!” responds the mother angrily.
This only makes the child more determined.
“No, I’m not!”
“You are, too!” shouts the mother, even angrier.
“Give me the knife!”
“NO!!” shouts the child.
Then the mother suddenly remembers something she had studied in psychology—that every accusatory “you” message can be turned into a non-blaming “I” message. She pauses a moment, and then, in a tone of voice free from anger, says:“When I see you holding that sharp knife, I feel scared. I worry that you might cut yourself.”
The child looks calmly at his mother and, after she reiterates her concern,relinquishes the knife to her,without anger or argument. His mother had found a way of speaking to him that didn’t hurt his pride, that respected him as an individual, and he had responded in kind.
Of course, simply finding the right way of addressing others won’t always solve life’s problems.
People aren’t machines, and there is no single answer that will always work. Cultural differences also play a role, and the best methods may differ from culture to culture.But a “you” message almost always forces its recipient into a defensive mode, shuts down the possibilities for real communication, and stirs a desire to win out over one’s opponent. Feeling that responding positively to the other person’s demand would be capitulating, we refuse to comply. That seems to be a universal tendency.
In contrast, an “I” message respects the other person. It is not an attempt to criticize and force compliance. Instead, it is descriptive:
“When you do that, I feel this way. I want you to know that. How you respond to it is your decision.”
Communication framed in this mode does not accuse other people of anything or try to force them to obey your wishes. It is respectful of others’ autonomy.
This, I believe, is an important key to positive interactions not only with other adults, but with children as well.
When we get angry, however, we are quick to start our sentences with “you”—”You did this” or “You always do that.”
At a question-and-answer session, a woman once asked my mentor, second Soka Gakkai President Josei Toda, how to deal with a problem she was experiencing with her husband. He was coming home later and later from work each day, until eventually he started not coming home at all.Mr Toda replied to her in a kindly fashion:
“Are you always picking on him and complaining when he comes home? Do you angrily demand, ‘Where were you yesterday?
How about the day before?’
That is certain to make him feel bad. Instead, try welcoming him home warmly. Make him a nice home-cooked meal and,when he walks through the door, say: ‘Have some dinner. Here’s a special treat I made for you.’“If you do that, he’ll want to come home. It may be that he doesn’t like to come home now because of how you treat him when he does. If my wife was always grilling me, ‘Where were you? Why didn’t you come home?’ I wouldn’t want to come home either.“Tomorrow, when your husband returns from work, cook him that dinner.If you don’t have enough money, it doesn’t have to be an expensive meal, but make him some home cooking and offer it to him, with genuine warmth. Just trust me; this will work. You try it from tomorrow. When you complain and fuss and criticize, you are only driving him farther and farther away.”
I want to make it clear that President Toda wasn’t saying that the husband’s behavior should be condoned. But he knew that the woman’s real goal was not to defeat her husband. Even if she got the last word in an argument, it wouldn’t necessarily make her husband treat her any better.Of course, the same applies when husbands have a point of contention with their wives.
Most people expend an incredible amount of energy trying to change others. We think, “If only he would change,” “If only she would stop being that way!” But in fact, trying to change others often only makes them resent us more,and it is rarely effective. Taking it one step further and criticizing or attacking others as being unscrupulous, unfair or insensitive very often makes them respond with even more of the same behavior we are criticizing.
This is true of children as well. If a mother is always shouting at her child to hurry up, the child ends up seeing himself as a slow person who can’t do things quickly enough. Once that self-impression takes root in his heart, he actually becomes slow, in a perversely self-fulfilling prophecy. This has been identified as an actual psychological phenomenon.
The best way to encourage a child to do things more quickly is just that:to encourage. Praise the child when he has completed a task more quickly than usual, and nurture the self-image in his mind of someone who can accomplish things quickly. If we tell children that they are good and kind, they will actually become good and kind.
The ability to inspire others is the fundamental requirement of a leader. In the workplace, for example, a boss who orders employees about may get superficial obedience, but he won’t win any hearts, and this will show up in the work the employees do. Such a manager may look at an employee and decide “He has no drive or initiative.” But the manager never realizes that it is his own attitude and behaviour that are robbing the employee of drive and initiative.The more one relies on coercion and force, the more impoverished and paralyzed one’s spirit becomes.
Let us imagine another, entirely different kind of manager. One of her employees makes a mistake with a customer and comes to her to fearfully report on his error. He’s expecting her
to chew him out, but instead she says: “I see. Don’t worry, I’ll handle this. Just leave it to me.” Naturally, in addition to immense relief, the employee will feel tremendous respect for his manager and eagerly work to please her and show his appreciation for her kindness and support.
Respecting, encouraging, and inspiring others make everything go smoothly—whether at the workplace, in the home, the nation, or the world. And what is the most important factor in inspiring and encouraging others? Gratitude and appreciation—the recognition that an individual’s contribution is important and helpful. Feeling needed by others encourages and inspires anyone.
“Thank you” is a miraculous expression. We feel good when we say it, and we feel good when we hear it. I am constantly saying “Thank you” from morning to night, every day. When I visit other countries, it is the one expression I always learn and use, whether it is “Thank you,” Merci,” “Danke,” “Gracias,”“Spasibo,” or “Xie-xie.” I express my thanks with deep sincerity, looking the other person in the eye as I speak.
When we speak or hear the words “thank you,” the armor falls from our hearts and we communicate on the deepest level. “Thank you” is the essence of nonviolence. It contains respect for the other person, humility, and a profound affirmation of life. It possesses a positive, upbeat optimism. It has strength. A person who can sincerely say thank you has a healthy, vital spirit, and each time we say it our heart sparkles and the life force rises up powerfully from the depths
of our being.Being grateful for the support that so many other people have given us-that awareness, that feeling, that joy—will bring us even greater happiness. Instead of being grateful because we are happy, the feeling of gratitude itself actually brings us happiness. Prayers with a spirit of gratitude, too, harmonize most effectively with the rhythm of the universe and turn our lives in a positive direction.
When we cannot say thank you, our personal growth stops. When we are growing, we can see how wonderful others are, too. When we stop growing, all we see are other people’s faults.In our families, instead of trying to change our partners, children, or siblings,why not start with the simple utterance, “Thank you”?
A certain woman became afflicted with senile dementia in old age, and she was unable to remember even the names of her family members. But when the doctor asked her what was the happiest moment in her life, she immediately responded: “When my daughter was born. I was so happy!” Hearing this, tears welled up in the eyes of the daughter, who was standing nearby. “Thank you,”she said. “Thank you, mother. That was all I needed to hear.”And at the same time, the daughter regretted how she was always scolding her own child. “After all,” she thought, “that was the happiest time in my life,too—when he was born.” Yet, over the years, driven by some mental image of an ideal child, she had tried to mold her son to that pattern, thinking only of where he didn’t measure up to the ideal, dwelling on his shortcomings in one respect or another. Still, in spite of how demanding she was,her son tried his best to live up to her ideals. He was kind to her.
Suddenly she was overcome with gratitude. “Thank you. I am happy that you were born, too. I am happy just that you are here with me.Thank you.”
She saw her son with fresh eyes, and suddenly she had more than enough reason to be grateful and happy. After all, though it was hard getting her son out of bed in the mornings, he would eventually get up, even if it was sometimes at the last minute. That in itself was a wonderful miracle. He may have been a little picky about his food, his grades may not have been top in the class, but she was just grateful he went to school every day. She was just grateful for his smile.
She was grateful for everything, even when nothing special happened.She was grateful that her son returned home safe and sound each day. She realized that taking so much for granted and having so many demands had been a symptom of a deep and pervading arrogance on her part.
Many people who are diagnosed with a serious illness realize for the first time just how much they have taken their health for granted up until then.
That’s why it’s so important for wives to take the opportunity, every once in a while, to look their husband’s square in the eye and say, “Thank you dear.” And husbands shouldn’t just silently eat their dinner, but look at their wives and say: “Thank you, dear, for everything.” It may seem a bit embarrassing, but try it: you’ll see how it changes your life.
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